Xmas sux

I used to love Xmas as a kid. We all did. I even enjoyed it as a teenager and young adult when family would get together for some kick ass turkey, mashed potatoes, and barrels of wine. Now that my family has all moved away I am subjected to my better half's family for the festive season. Don't get me wrong. Some of those old ladies know how to cook some food, but the wine is gone (holy rollers forgot Jesus drank it) and it has turned into one big circle jerk of twenty minute stops at aunt Marlene's, mawmaw Sally's, and about six other semi-related in-laws that I never see otherwise. I think I could even stand it without the alcohol if we would at least sit down for dinner and had some good gossipy gab. But instead, the one food stop is buffet style (albeit tasty) with totally uncomfortable and uptight small talk. That just means I'm cooking next year and those who want to get drunk with me can.

What's worse are the presents. Call me an ungrateful bitch, but let me explain.

Foremost, I have a small tot while my better half has about 1500 family members in the greater Kanawha valley who all seem to think they have to buy something for him. That means my tot has to receive at least 800 plastic pieces of shit toys that he'll never even touch. Cause one, they are lame toys, and two, he's like very young and can't register that much crap in his tiny wittle head.

As if he really needs yet another John Deer vehicle to trip over push around in the living room. He doesn't want pseudo learning toys either when everyone knows Legos are the real deal and way more fun for the adults to play with. Give a kid those and an old remote control and that's all they need. That's it! Books are always nice too. Tots don't want a bunch of colored plastic pieces of crap they can't even build kewl stuff with. They want what you have. Like a fork, beer can, or old toilet paper roll. I hate plastic toys and I hate tearing the tape and wires off even more. Please quit filling our house with this debris cause I'm donating it to the Union Mission tomorrow.

Secondly, I don't need clutter. I don't even require it. And throughout the entire year I have enough disposable income that I can go out and buy just about anything I could ever want - minus the yacht.

Sure, getting someone a special gift can fill you with all kinds of feel good emotions. Makes the holiday's joyous and thankful. But not if those gifts come from the friggin' Dollar $tore. It ain't the bargain rate. It's that The Dollar $tore is full of $uperfluous $hit and you didn't even have to think about what you just bought you $tupid twat. It's clutter and now I have anxiety. No more fuzzy gloves and no more drink coasters!

Happy Holidays!