Thursday Afternoon Funnies

Crystaldawnsmom submitted her photoshop skillz to my blaahhg today. Rest assured she's playing with photoshop and on the internets while at work.

It probably should be added to my previous South Park spoof but here it is:



Note the bouffant left cheek and droopy eye. Quite accurate crystaldawnsmom! (even though I'm not quite sure what the squirrel suit means). Is Butter's shirt a reference to Palin? Meow!

Regarding these odd facial lineaments, Keep It Trill asks if McCain might be ill?


But wait! There's more funny! Palin takes questions from press corps for first time today!

POLITICO: Do you support the reelection bids of embattled Alaska Republicans, Rep. Don Young and Sen. Ted Stevens?

A: Ted Stevens trial started a couple days ago. We’ll see where that goes.

POLITICO: Are you gong to vote for them?

[no answer.]

JERSEY JOURNAL: What do you think of bailout package before congress?

A: I don't support that until the provisions that Sen. McCain has offered are implemented in Paulson's proposals.

The comments are the best part:

Rob indetroit - September 25th, 2008 12:27 pm ET
"Spoken like a trained seal."

pam - September 25th, 2008 12:32 pm ET
"This is truly scary. This woman makes Bush look smart. I've been comparing her to a box of rocks - I think I've been doing the rocks a disservice."

South Park Characters and Their Republican Counterparts

"I'm not gay!"







"God Bless America!"









Evil Dough Boy







Meddling Moralizing Token Jewish Person










...and the token black guy







Total Fag







Totally Oblivious








Total Piece of Shit
(or is that a piece of shit in his mouth?)






Total Drunk Loser







Total Tranny






I'm sure Dr. Mephesto appreciated that Officer Barbrady pardoned Kevin.

The Heavy Drinkers Rool!

So, for all you unfortunate peons who aren't privy to reading Jerry Waters Heavy Hitters Message Board, I was able to finagle my way in under a super secret username and password, copy screen shots, and show them all to you. Cause I know how much you care what the Heavy Drinkers are talking about.


click images for larger view

This screen shot is just the main page. Special members will see this page, while unregistered losers merely see the ads about God and Who is Online.

However, you are now privileged. Below is a top secret topic Jerrie DOESN'T want you to see!!

click images for larger view

The jokes write themselves. hehe hehe heh....

Best Home Improvement Tool Evah

Bush Saudi Dance

Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris Makes It Out To Support Mike Huckabee

A few weeks ago I did a really really mean post about Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee and body fat distribution in general. I thought it was completely done in poor taste and decided to delete it, but I do want to revisit the Huckster.

This man scares me. From his total batshit crazy Faith-Based Constitution to his projected obsession with homosexuality, you would think many of these wacked out ideas of his would be plenty for half-thinking zombies to run for the hills and take his bizarrely life-like resemblance to Nixon off the goddamn TV and off the polls for good. But that would take a miracle free and publicly funded media to accomplish. So instead, I urge everyone, who seems so fixated on celebrity and Britney anyway, to maybe then make your decisions based on which "famous" person stands behind them during acceptance speeches.



Chuck Norris is the absolute worst artiste evah! I actually find a C-section not nearly as gut-wrenching and vomit inducing as watching Chuck Norris act. Just look at him. The TEETH! The botox! Jesus!

This is my call for everyone to denounce any candidate who uses such pitiful actORs as campaign tools (by 'tools' I mean that literally and figuratively). As though Chuck Norris has some sort of wherewith all for political discourse anyway. He can't even convince me he's a Texas Ranger, how am I going to be convinced Huckadip should be President? Chuck apparently has never taken a road trip in places like Bolivia where there is no such thing as tax collection, but he's sure passionate about his phallus...err I mean gun...heh heh, heh. I might think differently if it was De Niro or somebody cool like that. But crappy actors who have for years polluted the airwaves with horribly bad syndication and infomercials should be banned from showing their faces on TV ever again.

If Chuck Norris's face isn't enough for you to give the Huck a big Chuck in the ass, then you should be disenfranchised.

UPDATE:

Ric Flair has joined the ranks of douchedom. Whoo!

My new friend from Nigeria - A Series, Part Two SHITTY UPDATE

Mr. Newman Roberts sent me his very own telephone number, numbers to the bank, and even account numbers. What ever shall I do?? Oh.. he also sent me a picture of himself - I guess. ick! This is how I would describe him:














SHITTY UPDATE

After a week or so of inticing, I didn't get very far with Roberts...or Newman...or Sade. I sent this email:

Dear Mr. Newman,

I'm sorry for not replying soon enough. My internet
tubes were clogged all weekend because Verizon is a
corporatist multinational that subjugates the
proletariat. My apologies for these fascist dicks!

Anyhoo, thank you so much for your pictures. You are
quite the dashing young fellow! In fact, you look just
like my neighbor Kevin.

But before we can commence my contact with your dead
father's bank, I have to be sure I can trust you. I
must be confident that I am conducting business
relations with someone who has the same vision as I
do.

As I said in my previous email, I totally think this
arts and crafts idea of mine is going to be big. And I
have to have a partner who is able and willing to put
together some of the prototypes with me that we will
be giving to some manufacturing companies here in the
U.S. to mass produce for us.

Therefore, I need you to put together one or two of
these glittery shakers that I described in my previous
email. Here are the instructions:

1. Get Two paper plates, some dry coffee beans, glue,
glitter, and colored markers.
2. Place a small amount of the beans between the two
paper plates, glue the plates together, and decorate
the outside of the plates to your liking with the
glitter and colored markers. I just want to see your
artistic ability at this point.
3. Take some pictures of your creation and email them
back to be as soon as possible!

Anxious to see what you are made of!

You Czaritza,

crystal dawn

...along with another picture of me:


....and this was his reply:

Date: Thu, 6 Dec 2007 16:17:49 +0900 (JST)
From: newman_robertsXXX@yahoo.co.jp
Subject: I hard you Crystal
To: "Crystal"

Dear Crystal,
I wonder why you are doing the way you are doing.
I got your mail and write to let you to know that I contacted you for ann assistance to transfer my inheritance and not me doing art work like you always said.
I am not into art business you knows better.
I don't think that I can do any other thing than the one's that I have already done for you.
I want to put it clear if you are not interested in doing this transaction with me you simple like me understand it clear than asking some one like myself to do what I could not understand why?
I am looking forward to hear from you immediately so that I will simple know that there is no business with you.
Anyway, the ball is on your cut.
Have a nice day,
Roberts.

In other words, it was only wishful thinking on my part. I guess I'm just not as good as the 419eater.com crowd. lol

I'm from Nigeria and I'm here to help - A series

On occasion I get the random email scam from some overseas illiterate douche. I'm sure many of you have. This time I decided to have a little fun with the guy... just to see how far it could go. Honestly, I didn't imagine that he would fall for my sarcasm right off the bat. Maybe he hasn't and it's just wishful thinking on my part. heh

I'll continue updating as more replies come in. So here's how it all began. *sigh*

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 04:36:52 +0900 (JST)
From: newman_robertsXXX@yahoo.co.jp
Subject: I am honestly seeking for your assistance
To: "Crystal"

Dearest one

l know this mail will come as a surprise to you. I have a proposal
for you to this project however is not mandatory nor will I in any
manner compel you to honor against your will, Your profile pushed me
to send you this mail, I am Master Newman Roberts, I am 22 years old
and the only Son of my late parents Dr. and Mrs. Roberts Didie. My
father was a highly reputable farmer (a cocoa merchant) in cote
d' ivories during his days.

It is sad to say that he was poisoned and passed away mysteriously in
France during one of his business trips abroad on 12th. May 2007.Though
his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded
by my uncle who traveled with him at that
time. But God knows the truth! My mother died when I was just 4 years old,
and since then my father took me so special.

Before he made the trip to France that lead to my misfortune (his death)
He called me and explained to me the reason why he will make this trip
and also told me that he deposited a fund that contain US$ 12.5000000
(Thelve Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) in a Bank there in Abidjan
Ivory Coast and that this money is for an investment purpose overseas.

He gave me the certificate that he used for the deposit of the fund and
other vital documents of his asset, after his death l went to the Bank and
establish ownership of the fund. Now l need your assistance to move this
fund to your country for investment as that has been my late father's aim
before his death. Now permit me to ask these few questions: -

Can you honestly help me receive the said fund in your country ?,
What will you like to take as your commission to assist me in this project?
Please can you kindly arrange a letter of invitation to enable me migrate to
your country after this fund might have lodge into your account? . If this
proposal arouse your interest kindly contact me back with my email address immediately.
Thanks for your Understanding

Anticipat Your Cooperation.
Master Newman Roberts

With my initial reply:

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 08:31:40 -0800 (PST)
From: "Crystal"
Subject: Re: I am honestly seeking for your assistance
To: newman_robertsXXX@yahoo.co.jp


Hm, sounds interesting. I may be able to help in fact.

A letter of invitation is all I need to do?

Thanks,

crystal

Like clockwork, I got an immediate reply. Below, I have included my reply back to him.

Date: Thu, 29 Nov 2007 10:55:25 -0800 (PST)
From: "Crystal"
Subject: Re: Thanks for writing me
To: newman_robertsXXX@yahoo.co.jp

--- newman_robertsXXX@yahoo.co.jp wrote:

> Dear Sir,

Actually, Crystal is a female name bestowed onto
someone of my stature in my country. Your Czaritza
will suffice. Thank you.

> Good day and how are you? I hope you are fine and
> ok?

Being someone who has many minions (including my
children) to do my bidding, how can I not be fine? lol

> I got your mail with thanks and will be happy to
> let you know somethings that you know and
> understand.
>
> I will like you to know that my father deposited
> this money in a fixed suspense bank account which my
> name was used as next of kin in the deposit. I will
> like this money to be transferred to your bank
> account in your country, immedaitely after the
> transfer of the money to your bank account, I
> will like to come over to your country where I will
> like to stay to continue my studies where I stopped
> due to my father's sudden death, while in school, I
> will like you to go on to help me invest my money in
> a very good business until I will be through with my
> school.

That truly sux about your dad. My dad was an abusive
prick who came home drunk every night and made
mayonnaise, pickle, and hot sauce sandwiches to
palliate his sour mash headache - rather than spend
time with his kids. I hated him for it. But he died of
Cirrhosis and I inherited a considerable sum of money
myself.

> Please understand that i am putting my trust on
> you, I want you to promise me that you will not
> bertay me, if you asure me this, in your next mail
> to me, I will like you to give me your telephone
> number and your photo, as soon as I get this; all
> that you requested will be given to you together
> with contact of the bank here so that you will see
> things by yourself.

Because of constant telemarketers and people trying to
get money from me, I do not have a telephone. Besides,
someone of my importance can't be bothered with
trivial matters such as an incessant telephone rings.
However, what you have presented to me is anything but
trivial. When it comes to helping out someone obtain
money, especially the amount you described, I am more
than happy to help. Soo, how much money are you
speculating I get??

By the way, I was curious as to why you have what
seems to be an English sounding name, except your
email address comes from Japan. Are you traveling or
perhaps doing some much needed studying in that
country?

I look forward to your prompt reply. And God Bless
You!

Your Czaritza,

crystal dawn

My recent glam shot pic was attached:



Seriously, I figured the mayo sandwiches and Cirrhosis would give me away but I got yet another reply:

Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2007 09:01:19 -0800 (PST)
From: "Crystal"
Subject: Re: Crystal, thanks so much.
To: newman_robertsXXX@yahoo.co.jp

--- newman_robertsXXX@yahoo.co.jp wrote:

> Dear Crystal,
> Good morning and how are you today.
> I am so much glad to read from you this morning
> with content well understood.
> Crystal, in the first place I am an African, from
> Abidjan in Cote D' Ivoire in West Africa.
> I speak English well.

Yes you do seem to speak English very well, however
your grammar and spelling are profoundly lacking. I
hope that you do get to continue your much needed
schooling soon.

For example:

> Sorry because I use Yahoo japan to crate my
> private.

Anyway,

> My dear, I will like you to know that I inherted
> this money from my late father as his only child.
> Like you can read froim my proposal, I am prepared
> to give you 15% of the total amount after the
> successful transfer of the money into your account
> in your country for an investment which both of us
> will handle the money as a partner in the business.

What kind of business where you thinking about?
Personally, I enjoy arts and crafts. I was thinking
about this new idea where you glue two paper plates
together, that have like beans inside so make a shaker
sound, and then put sparklies all over them so they
are shiny and fun to look at. I think it would be a
big hit for kids and what better way than to gouge
unsuspecting children.

> Like you can see yourself , I told you in my mail
> as soon as I hear from you I will furnish you with
> the contact information of the bank were my father
> deposited the money for you to contact them and
> confirm from the bank about the deposited amount in
> their custody.

Yes please do. I am anxious to commence business
relations with your dead father's bank. Once that is
completed, I will begin wiring the money into my
personal U.S. Piggy bank.

> Thanks for your picture , you are a fine woman.
> I will give you my pic in my next mail.

Yes please do send me your picture. It will be great
to see your face. I'm sure you are a fine man. I look
forward to it immensely !

And may God bless your soul 24/7.

Your Czaritza,

crystal dawn

> Waiting to hear from you soon.
> Have a nice day,
> Roberts.

We'll see how far this goes now. lol

Delineate This

So I was sitting at my computer this evening drinking a cold Sierra Nevada and reading the Heavy Hitters Message Board when I came across a peculiar post. The topic was a heated one, wrought with passion and unbridled prejudice. Entitled "Dirty public school books and the Gay agenda," Mr. Waters seemed determined to convince his readers that liberals and gays were the reason our society has become what it is - whatever that is...gawdless or something.

But what caught my inquiring eye was his last post on the subject, and in particular, this first sentence:

Some of you self-proclaimed mavens of intellect, consistently use the same, weak, ad homonym tactic to convey some kind of all-knowing superiority over those of us that do not fall within their political or ideological view, especially when it comes to religion.

I thought to myself, gee, that's quite a sentence there Jer. It had a cadence to it. A nuance of an experienced writer who was resolute with his ideas. It was nothing like I had ever seen from the Decider. And to be quite honest, I had to know what a "maven of intellect" was. Well, with a quick click of this here mouse, I highlighted that whole aformentioned sentence by accident and hit search on Google before I could even say "maven of intellect." And it churned out ONE hit:



Naturally, I clicked on the link and it brought me to some archive of comments about an anti-Japanese propoganda film. Ok, whatever. Made no sense until I scrolled down a bit to the 11th comment made by a "Delineate" who said this:

Every post I read in this thread, posted by self-proclaimed mavens of intellect, consistently use the same, weak, ad homonym tactic by using words i.e., red state, redneck, hillbilly, neo-con, etc., to convey some kind of all-knowing superiority over those of us that do not fall within their political or ideological view.

Take out/add a few tiny words and you basically have the exact same sentences! How can this be? Perhaps it's mere coincidence that two people can actually talk that way....but I doubt it. Omg, is Jerry Waters this "Delineate" guy and figured hey, what a great quote, might as well use that baby again? Or did he simply Ctrl-C that sucker and try to pass it off as his own? Either way - LAME! hahahaha!

Judge Judy Episode: "Rigor Mortis Stew"

Judge Judy has to be the greatest judge show of all time. People's Court comes in at a close second but the rest of them should be canceled on principle alone. I tune in just about every day at 5pm and watch a full hours worth of great seething attack on the moronic. But yesterday, I witnessed probably the greatest episode of all time. And it wasn't because of Judy.

I haven't been able to find the episode to embed onto my blog so you can go HERE to view a clip of yesterday's show. From jezebel:

In the clip above, a woman, from what I'm guessing is the backwoods of Louisiana, is suing her sister and former neighbor for the cost of repair to her car. The defendant--an amazing rubber-necker--borrowed the car, hit a deer, thus killing it, then took it home, and ate it. She tried to make amends for the damaged car by offering some of the meat to the plaintiff and was very offended when the plaintiff declined.

See, it's not just in WV.

Must Love Dogma

Because it's Halloween, I thought I'd put up a clip from Valentine's Day 2007.
Jason Jones of Daily Show fame uses a conservative online dating service to find his perfect mate.

"Too much, time on my hands!"

Wow. The Heavy Drinkers have really out done themselves this time. I did an Alt print screen deal and was able to save an image of this latest topic before it got deleted by the Decider. Heh, I'll show them!

click picture for larger view

WV State University Sucks Ass

I suppose I'll have to lose a hair of anonymity here and tell you why I am hating on that school at the moment. I attended WV State a few years ago to finish up an Accounting degree after years of partying and waisting my parents money. It was time to grow up. hehe.

Anyway, I chose Accounting because it was practical, I could make more money, and I luv to count beans. At State, there are general business courses that were required of everyone in the "Business Administration" program. These general courses were taken by those that majored in Accounting, Finance, Management, and Marketing. So we all had to take basic management, economic, marketing classes, and so forth. The big difference was that the Finance and Accounting people took much harder classes in addition to these general ones. I would even say the Accounting people took the hardest classes of them all. Auditing is a bitch!

Like many commuters, I worked and took classes in the evening. I busted my ass that last year, even attending summer school. I was quite anxious to receive my diploma and hang it up on my wall, in my office, so my boss would finally respect me.
And this is the piece of shit paper I got!:



Look closer and tell me what you see!!



That's right folks. No where on that lame document do you see the word ACCOUNTING. That's because everyone in the "Business Administration" program got the EXACT SAME DIPLOMA AS I DID. What a ripoff!!

(Note: I obviously photoshopped off my real name - the diploma is real!) lol

Fuggetta 'bout Victoria's Secret line of swimwear

Summer is almost over...that means all the really good deals on bathing suits go on sale in the fall. I've been looking for something cute but different. Think I'll go for the denim jean skirt variety:




These great styles can be found at Wholesome Wear dot com and is perfect for the modest yet active swimmer. You can even go to town without changing these sexy ass suits.

Perez sez: We haven’t seen anything this zexy since the 1800s, at least.

Spiders on Drugs